Conversation Openers That Don't Feel Like an Interview
A conversation opener stops feeling like an interview when it asks for a preference, a choice, or a small story instead of a résumé fact such as a job, a hometown, or a five-year plan.
A first date, a family dinner, and a work lunch stall in the same way when every question collects a fact. “What do you do?” “Where did you grow up?” “How many siblings do you have?” Each one has a short correct answer. The person gives it. Both of you wait for the next question. That is a screening, even when nobody meant to run one.
What an interview question asks for
An interview question asks for a label. A job, a city, a school, a relationship status. The label is easy to give and hard to build on. The part worth hearing is usually the choice behind the label: the thing they almost did instead, or the opinion nobody has asked them to defend.
You can hear the stall. The answer lands in one sentence. Someone says “nice.” The next question is another label. If the phones come out in that pause, that is a different problem. A private screen is an exit from the table, and The Phone in the Middle of the Table is about that exit. This post is about the question you ask while people are still in the room.
What a better opener asks for
A better opener asks for a preference, a choice, or a small story. There is no correct answer. The other person gets a place to start, and you get one specific thing to respond to.
Four shapes work at almost any table:
- A preference with a reason. “What is a small thing you are unreasonably loyal to?”
- A recent choice. “What did you almost skip this week, and why did you go anyway?”
- A shared decision. “If we left after this and did one thing, what would you pick?”
- A story with a boundary. “What is a compliment you actually believed?”
Each of these can be answered in a sentence or in five minutes. The other person chooses how far to go. You are not grading the answer.
How to follow up
Stay with one concrete word they used. If they mention a Tuesday pottery class they almost skipped, ask what the class is making. Offer your own short answer if the table is stiff, then stop. Two follow-ups is usually enough. After that, leave room for them to ask you something.
A sentence that holds three questions is still a screening. “What do you do, and do you like it, and how did you get into it?” asks the other person to file a report. If you want any of those, ask one of them on its own.
Openers you can use tonight
On a date. Ask about something they can show you, in place of a biography they have already told other people. “What have you been in the middle of getting better at?” can be a hobby, a skill, or a joke. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” asks them to perform a plan.
At a family dinner. Ask for a memory more than one person can enter. “What is a meal this family made too often, and who still defends it?” gives grandparents and kids the same opening. “How was school?” asks a child for a status report, and most status reports are short.
With friends. Ask for a choice the group can argue about. “What is a hill you will die on that does not matter at all?” is an easy first answer. Save “How have you really been?” for after someone is already talking.
The same kind of question works at each table. It invites a reaction.
When you want the prompt to come from the table
Sometimes the awkward part is that one person is supplying every question. A shared prompt takes that job off any single seat.
Table Talk conversation cards is a free iPhone app of 420 hand-written prompts in six categories, plus an 80-card Would You Rather deck. The categories are Date Night, Family Dinner, Friend Group, Work Team, Deep Questions, and Light & Fun. Date Night is written as questions that go somewhere. The app’s own description of that tone is a story with a turn in it: “What’s something you used to be embarrassed about that you now love about yourself?” A person can answer it in a sentence or stay with it. Nobody is collecting a favorite movie.
There is no account, and the cards work offline. Every card is free. Ads stay out of a sitting, and the Remove Ads purchase is a one-time buy if you want them gone.
Table Talk is free on the App Store.
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes a conversation starter feel like an interview? It asks for a label with a short correct answer: a job, a hometown, a school, or a five-year plan. The person answers in one sentence, and both of you wait for the next question.
What should you ask instead of what do you do? Ask for a preference, a recent choice, or a small story. Three that work at a table: what someone has been getting better at, a small thing they are unreasonably loyal to, or something they almost skipped this week and did anyway.
How do you follow up without turning it into an interrogation? Stay with one concrete detail they already mentioned. Offer your own short answer if the table is stiff. Two follow-ups is usually enough, and then leave room for them to ask you something.
What is Table Talk? Table Talk is a free iPhone app of 420 hand-written conversation prompts across six categories, plus an 80-card Would You Rather deck. You pick a category and swipe. No account. The cards work offline. An optional Remove Ads purchase is a one-time buy.